WESTPACK MARKETING’S BLACK FRIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE
(A FIELD MANUAL FOR ANYONE REFUSING TO JOIN IN – BUT STILL HOPING TO SURVIVE.)
FRIDAY MORNING, 08:04.
The coffee’s already cold.
Someone’s talking KPIs.
Another says “just a quick post”.
The air is thick with stress, desperation – and freshly minted optimism.
Black Friday has begun.
And us? We refuse to take part.
So here it is: Westpack Marketing’s Black Friday Survival Guide 2025.
No discounts. No fuss. Just cardboard and survival.
1. BUILD A FORT
A good fort is the foundation of any successful non-activity.
Use Westpack boxes, tape, and the last scraps of your mental stability.
It should be big enough to keep the world out,
but small enough to keep your credit card out of reach.
Put up a sign: “No deals, just mindfulness.”
Inside the fort, you’ll find peace, coffee, and collective denial.
Last year, our fort lasted six hours—
until someone crawled out to get more milk.
They never came back.
2. APPOINT AN EMERGENCY TRAINEE
Each year, one student is chosen — The Chosen One.
They have just one job: to press the big red button if anyone mentions the word “campaign” in a serious tone.
We don’t explain.
We simply look them deep in the eyes and say:
“If we go too far... you know what to do.”
Two years ago, it was only 10:17 when the student removed the “Buy” button from the entire webshop.
It was beautiful.
Like a collective blackout lit by Christmas lights.
3. SKIP THE CUP – DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE MACHINE
Coffee is no longer a beverage.
It’s a survival strategy.
After three sips, you start hearing colours.
After five, you can feel the Meta algorithm.
After seven, you laugh every time someone says “CTR”.
It’s not healthy.
But it’s honest.
4. MAKE A BUBBLE WRAP BLANKET
No one talks. Everyone pops.
Each sound is a small yes to life — and a no to impulse buying.
When someone says “I saw a great offer,”
you hand them a piece of bubble wrap and say:
“Pop your needs instead.”
No one talks. Everyone pops.
Each little pop is a yes to life – and a no to impulse spending.
A no to undermining Christmas revenue.
A no to shopping hype.
A lifeline for weaker colleagues.
“Give 50% off on…” pop
Pop your needs instead.
5. SEEK GUIDANCE FROM MANAGEMENT
In the QHSE manager’s office, you’ll find the marten, the fox, and the Duck.
We call them management.
They don’t say much, but they judge everything with their lifeless eyes.
They’ve survived campaign weeks before the internet,
and they know how to look busy while waiting for lunch.
When faith runs low, we go in,
stand in a circle, and ask the Duck:
“Is this okay, Dorte?”
She doesn’t answer.
But you can feel the formalin — and the leadership.
We take it as a yes.
6. DO OFFICE CHAIR RACING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE
This isn’t for fun.
It’s escape training.
Three laps around the desk,
a skid finish through the warehouse,
and you’ll forget all about campaigns and bank statements.
The winner gets three minutes of fresh air and an emotional reboot.
No one’s claimed the prize since 2022.
7. FREEZE A CREDIT CARD AND CALL IT ART
We freeze the company card (and the personal one too) in a block of ice and place it in the canteen.
A small sign reads:
“Financial self-care – limited edition.”
No one gets it.
But HR smiles.
And that’s the first time since 2019.
When the ice melts, we’ll be ready for the January budget.
8. CREATE YOUR OWN OFFER
Write “BUY 2 – GET 0” on a banner for your website.
Place it somewhere prominent.
Step away in silence.
People stop.
They look.
They think.
They calm down.
No one buys anything.
Mission accomplished.
9. HOLD A MEETING WITHOUT AN AGENDA
The PowerPoint shows one slide:
“Are we okay?”
Slide 2 is a photo of a cardboard box.
There is no slide 3.
We nod slowly.
It feels like leadership.
Some try to speak. Others nod even slower.
Laura quietly disappears and hides in the foam bin.
No one notices — and it still feels like leadership.
10. PRINT YOUR FEELINGS
Write everything you’re thinking in an email.
Print it. Tear it up.
Put it in a box and label it:
“Fragile: Human.”
Place it on the shelf next to “Q4 Goals” and “Unexplained Stress.”
It’s archiving with soul.
11. END THE DAY WITH CARDBOARD AND CALM
At 17:00, we gather in the warehouse.
It smells of printing ink, coffee, and quiet despair.
We look at the Duck and say in unison:
“We made it.”
No one knows how.
But we did.
And no one bought anything.
It feels like success.